Friday, February 7, 2014

ups and downs

IMG_8019IMG_7680IMG_7477 I'm all over the place. Honestly I don't even know how to compose this blog post.   Such a big week, so many emotions, so many words, too many ups and downs. Sigh.

Early in the week we had days and nights of the most ferocious winds that tore through poly tunnels, broke beautiful established plum trees in half, ripped apart tomato plants and made such a mess of so many eucalyptus trees. That wind kept us up over nights, rattled us to the bones and reminded us of how teeny and insignificant we are in the scheme of things. It also made me question a lot of what we do here and why. It made me teary and oh so weary.

On two mornings this week I broke my I am not a morning person rule, and got up with the sun to run around the block. There is something so moving and uplifting and thrilling about running through the cool summer morning's air, watching the light sparkle on its way through the forest trees, over the paddocks and in the cottage windows. I have never, ever liked to get up earlier than I have had to, but running 5,000 steps alone, in complete silence before coming back to face the chaos of the pre-school rush, might actually change me. It is good for me. There is hope.

Then there are the back to school resolutions from my last post that I have managed to smash through already. I haven't been going to bed earlier, I haven't been all that organised, I haven't really got a grand plan yet and I have not at all risen above the school yard bitchiness. Not even close.

But I have had a bit of extra time. When I got the crazy, mad urge to try to knit a feather (top pic), I did.  I also made some yummy treats for lunchboxes and delicious dinners. I thought I might sew a skirt, but once I had gathered the fabric, tracing paper, scissors and tape measure, I felt overwhelmed and put it all back again. But I did find a new belt on a quick dash into an op shop yesterday. I haven't been into an oppy for months. It was fun. And I had a few long overdue coffees with friends. Uninterrupted conversation is such a gift.

And then I had this moment this week at a meeting with one of my girl's teachers, where I looked over at my three sitting around me listening quietly and I felt like I could burst with pride. Explode right there in the classroom. Such great love. Such good girls.

I knew all along all week that I needed to write a blog. That I would feel better once it was out. But I didn't. I don't know why I didn't, but I didn't. My laptop stayed closed and I found a zillion other things to do instead. I didn't read any blogs or write any blogs this week. Weird.

I could go on. So many highs and lows but not many in-betweens. I'm feeling a bit directionless. Like the wind unbalanced me. Like I don't know where I'm headed. Like I need a grand plan that gives me butterflies in my stomach. I love the idea of going with the flow but it's not working for me at the moment. It's making me want to escape and run away. It's making me want to pack up and drive north. Or maybe just back to bed with my book.

Sigh.

Thank goodness for the weekend.

Thank goodness for knitting (thanks Dad xx)

How're you feeling?

Big love

xx





31 comments:

  1. My "being super organised for school" plans bit the dust too - on the first day in the the 3rd child's classroom with the realisation that I was about 6 things short on the list of stuff to bring to school. I didn't read both sides of the notice that I have had since November - oops.
    Hope the storm damage wasn't too bad.
    I love reading your blog and to quote the profound words of Dory the fish, "just keep swimming" - you're doing a great job!

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  2. That sounds like quite a week! Especially that wind - must be so heartbreaking to be at the mercy of the weather. I hope next week something brilliant happens to make up for this one. Kellie xx

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  3. Here is something positive for you. I read the article in Country Style about you and your family just yesterday and I thought your property is beautiful and your family look brilliantly happy. Something that struck me was when you were talking about caravanning around Aus. and realising that you had already found the perfect place.
    Life on the land is never easy but I do think it's one of the most authentic and natural ways to live.
    Hope you feel better soon :)

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  4. Oh gosh I had to laugh when you said you got all your sewing bits out only to feel overwhelmed and put it all back... I do that... more often than I'd like to admit... so many 'projects' just waiting for me to get it together... Sometimes I even start them... I've got a lovely pile of squares all cut out ready for a patchwork something! But then picking the next lot of fabric and actually starting to stitch some together - I didn't know where to start. So back into the 'projects' stash they went.
    I get the bursting with pride too... I recently blogged about being empty nesters and there's a picture in that post that makes me explode with emotion, and then usually tears! My son headed to the other side of the world (indefinitely) and the house is quiet and feels weird... and funnily enough - empty. It's the ol' dog without it's tail syndrome...
    And in the midst of that (and all the other stuff that life brings) we are trying to work out if the house we looked at recently is the 'one' that we'll have our little self sufficient farm on... It's a bit scary and a huge decision that would mean a massive lifestyle change... one we've dreamed about... but then I think of leaving our family home and I well up! So many memories of raising my family here, I'm not sure how I can part with it - at least without heartache.
    Ah yes, some weeks are better than others and some weeks just try us and try us and then push us some more... hope your week is on the turn for a little smooth coasting and not so much rollercoasting. xx
    ps. I'd cry over a broken plum tree too

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  5. I feel overwhelmed, I feel lost, I feel happy, sad, tired and silly. The first week of full time school has happened in our house, I have twins that like 4am starts and a full on weekend ahead. Breath Mumma, Breath, the calm will come soon. xx

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  6. I started out this week feeling very sorry for myself. I had a headache that wouldnt budge, a baby who was not happy & just wanted to climb on me all day long, a body that is trying to grow another human & is not handling the summer heat at all & I was tired ( Ha! I'm always bloody tired!). Couple all those minor complaints with the fact Tim was only in his first week of swing & knowing I had three more flipping weeks of doing this all on my own with nobody to say " can you just take the baby while I swim/sleep/pee/eat on my own?!" & I was a huge sad pity party for one....BUT it is Friday & things are still the same but knowing we have the weekend to relax with no school drop offs to worry about has soothed my mind

    All my things seem pretty small & silly when I think of all the troubles youve had with the weather & your property Kate. I hope its all eased up & you can remember the reasons why you do what you do soon. xxx

    P.S your crochet craftiness knows no limits does it? A feather?! You are too too clever for words :)

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  7. What a spectacular colour to crochet a feather with. But, then again, you are pretty spectacular at what ever you do - wind or no wind.

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  8. Hi Kate, on this hot, hectic Friday afternoon your photos are instantly calming. I hope your trees recover from that destructive wind. Your running is inspiring.

    Do you know what I think...we have so many expectations, plans, hopes, chores, commitments, ideas and projects that sometimes it all just builds up. The start of the school year means so many new beginnings and even with the best intentions (and the best kids!) it is still bloody tiring! Sorry for swearing.

    I am feeling very hot and looking forward to a Friday afternoon cold beer. Happy weekend x

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  9. Sorry you've had such an emotional week and that you've suffered so much damage. I do hope things improve soon, and that the damage can be mitigated. You do sound like you're doing an amazing job, despite everything. Sometimes the best we can do is to hang on in there. Sending you a cyber hug. CJ xx

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  10. Sorry to read about your turbulent week Kate. It all sounds very familiar, (though of course not the fruit tree part.) Did you lose many trees? I hope something can be salvaged. I feel so much better after I've exercised - running is fantastic but my body can't always deal with it haha ;) So, it's mostly quick walking for me these days - Best thing I've found is doing stretching afterwards... some yoga stretches and some really evil ones with a thing (I don't even know what it's called but it looks like a really thick pool noodle and it's super duper hard). Especially when you run, you tend to tighten particular muscles (like the ones one the outer side of your upper leg - they normally get so tight from running that they end up pulling your knee cap sideways when you walk and it leads to problems). ANYWAY, I roll on that thingy on those muscles - at first it kills like pain you've never felt before, but then it gets better and feels so amazing. OMG I sound like a gym-junkie! haha I'm definitely not! Just saying that exercise is a wonderful thing, and stretching afterwards might even be better ;) I really notice a difference in my mood and my ability to roll with the punches when I exercise and stretch. Hope everything returns back to an even keel soon. Kx

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  11. You're unique and you have something special - keep trucking on!
    xx

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  12. So sorry to hear about the wind damage, it's so upsetting to lose trees for whatever reason, but when it comes like that it's a shock and scary at once. Like you I've been all over the place this week with school going back, it seems the older I get, the worse it affects me - great! Perhaps I put more expectations on myself. Yey for you exercising. I've got an ongoing battle happening with my alarm clock, would like to win that one and do some early walking, if I can get to bed a bit earlier ... Enjoy the weekend, sounds like you deserve a good one!

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  13. Sorry things are a bit pants at the moment. The weather holds us to ransom at times. It's exhausting feeling the feelings you are experiencing and I hope they subside soon. I'm feeling a bit directionless at the moment too. I cannot settle on anything. It's a weird feeling. Thank heavens for family and yarn is all I can say!

    Take care

    Vanessa x

    p.s Your pictures never fail to amaze me. Just magical x

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  14. The weather is awful isn't it, we had trees go over, and neighbours threatening to sue us if they damaged their property - sleepless nights and nothing you can do about it. Lots of positives though, so keep blogging away. Do drop by and say hi, I'd love to have you on board!!!!! x

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  15. What a week!!!
    All I can say is this -
    Life is short, so smile while you still have teeth!!!! ♥

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  16. Nodding along here Kate, you're not alone in those feelings at all! It's been the weirdest of weeks, I 'lost' another 2 Kids at once to full-time school this week leaving just me and the baby at home. Such a rollercoaster of emotions that I hope will settle down after the 3 day long weekend we're about to have down here. I'm totally knackered!!! Hope you have a great weekend! Mel xxx

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  17. Don't want to rub it in, but I've had a great week. I am feeling creative, grateful for what I have - time with my little babe, comfortable shelter, good food, and a loving husband. Once in a while though I get the itch to go on a road trip. Just get in the car and go, with no plans or destination. I'm not big on directions - I'm just going with the flow. Sorry that you are feeling a bit lost. I have found that running does help me to feel better overall.

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  18. The wind affects me & my mob. We are clearly out of sorts, scattered, tumultuous on windy days. The calm will come. In the mean time take shelter in the highs.

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  19. I really like this quote:
    "Courage does not always roar.
    Sometimes it is the quite voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow."
    I hope things will get better for you.

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  20. Also a week of highs and lows. The lows mostly consist of not sleeping, this baby body is not being my friend and as you said the wind has been insatiable. Highs: coffees and dinner dates, taking time for myself and learning that napping is ok.

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  21. Just.Keeping.Running! Nothing better than those endorphins when you are feeling down with the world. I don't feel right, if I don't get out there and breathe that air in. Makes you feel strong and alive :)

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  22. Agree so much, but I'm at the end of the school issue: when to leave myself. Now that all the kids are out and in charge of their own lives, I need to decide when to leave myself. Itsalwayssomething, isn't it? This year here, its the heating system and a french drain to stop the water into my basement and sewing studio. What a mess; stuff all over the place! A few more years for me. Still don't know what i want to be when I grow up.

    Hang in there. Something will present itself; it always does! And it will be probably nothing you expect!

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  23. Yep.......some weeks are just like that aren't they...one thing is, it's over and we get to start off fresh the next week. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
    www.oureverydaylifeinpictures.blogspot.com
    www.oursimpleandmeaningfullife.blogspot.com

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  24. Gosh I hear you on the ups & downs- I've been see saw gal this week!
    Hope peaceful times find you soon & me too:)
    Xx

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  25. i wrote you a long dear kate post and deleted it….lets just say i really hear you. im a moody indecisive exhausted crazy lady right now. i hope this week is calmer and cooler x x x

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  26. Wow, Kate, it's amazing that , even when you feel so all over the shop, you manage to blog a perfect post, balanced in sharing creativity (very inspiring feather work!), honesty, a snapshot of your life:
    just when you meditate, and by stepping back and observing the mind the craziness settles, so with your blogging, I wonder?
    sending you courage

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  27. So sorry to hear about the destruction on your property from the winds. The start of the year is hard sometimes in making your way and choosing a path especially when your needs and future responsibilities conflict. I am in the latter two predicament.

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  28. Oh Kate, it's the darn February-blah's, inevitably. Chin up buttercup, look at those girls. Brilliance!

    P.S. Delicious coloured yarn up there, where's it from?

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  29. I got a bit behind on my blog reading last week too. I've just seen this post. I also loved the knitting post. It's very affirming.

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  30. Thank you for this wonderful post Kate, even though I know in your latest one you mentioned how it can feel self indulgent to talk about ourselves ( and indeed it is good to have this prick of awareness to keep one in check ). The honesty you have used to talk about how, no matter special, successful and wonderful our lives can be, we all experience the moments of sadness, confusion and in between-ness, is really a gift to all us other women out here living our own wonderful, special, difficult lives. Thanks so much. PS like the wind, it will eventually turn around and you will find your self in full sail again. xxx

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Thanks so much for stopping by...

I do read every single comment you leave and appreciate it very much, but I should let you know that I can be a wee bit on the useless side when replying to comments, that's just me, everyday life sometimes gets in the way....so I'll apologise now, just in case.

Kate XX

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