Thursday, July 14, 2016

stressing out!


Hello dear readers of my blog, I hope you've been well.

Generally I'm not a fan of blogs that begin with apologies and explanations for time passed but in this case something is making me do just that. Probably because the reason for my absence here is a story in itself, but the delay is because the story is not mine and that makes the telling difficult.

So often over the past seven years of my life I've found the best way to deal with the words that swirl around my head and keep my eyes open and my mind ticking every night is to type them into my blog. Once they are out of my head and published with some pretty pictures, something in me changes and I can see clearer and move on, or at least move.

But this story feels different because it belongs to one of my daughters. All that is mine is my response. How can I write the painful details of this period of time without betraying the trust of another? And is it possible to write the story from my point of view when the story isn't mine to tell?

I think I have no choice but to try.

You see the story itself has been playing out in the school yard but on such a level that I have never experienced in my almost 16 years of parenting, and even in my 44 years of life.

Generally, in difficult times my pattern of behaviour is to experience things like this in the fullest way. To immerse myself in the situation, to dissect every detail, to feel every sharp angle, to analyse and question and discuss and shout and cry. And then after a while I find that I can see things a bit clearer without all the added emotion, and I can move on to the solution.

For some reason though, this time I haven't been able to move through and beyond the emotional, beside-myself stage, and instead have been stuck here for months. We've tried facing the problem head on, we've tried dealing with all the side issues, we've tried building resilience and also taking the easy way out, but nothing changes.

It has been interesting to watch myself from the outside going through this difficult time. Because it has dragged on for so long I've been able to watch how the stress affects my coping mechanisms and my life. A few weeks ago I found myself at gym on a particularly difficult day. I had always assumed that physical exertion would be a great way to help me cope, and even get rid of all the nervous energy building up. In fact that's probably the main reason I go at all. But this time I found myself moving as if under water. I had no energy and was clumsy and powerless. My trainer described the damage that cortisol, stress hormones, can do to your system, and gave me a series of stretches to do instead. Sitting cross legged on the mat, twisted all the way around to one side, I just felt angry that this nasty situation had invaded yet another part of my life.

I've studied my own childhood, focusing on a time when I was excluded and had to make another group of friends, but I can't find any anger or betrayal in that situation to make me feel like I'm playing it out now.

I worry about the damage it's doing to our family when so many of our conversations seem to end up there, going round in another circle.

I find myself not trusting my responses.

I notice that whenever my thoughts go to this situation my tummy fills with ants that start crawling up to my lungs and then my throat.

I'm embarrassed that my reactions to this nastiness are inappropriate and filled with swear words and things I don't really mean.

I realised that even geographical distance doesn't give me emotional distance. A few days holiday with my mum in a cottage on the edge of a nearby forest made the worry bigger rather than smaller.

And the worst part is that I can't work out if my behaviour is supportive any more. As a parent I want my child to feel like I have her back, to feel safe with me and that I am here for her and adore her. But I don't want to live this out for her. So how do I do that? Somehow I'm missing the ability to separate. This situation is nasty, possibly even dangerous, but still my losing it doesn't do anything at all to fix it.

So far the things I've found that really work for me are farm work, taking a big slow breath before reacting and reading in bed at night until I am so tired I cannot keep my eyes open.

A few days ago I was telling my farmer boy the story a friend had told me about how stressed she'd been lately and how she'd almost had a nervous breakdown. That's how I've been, I told him, but he said he disagreed completely. He thought I'd been dealing with it. Interesting.

In any case, this isn't a story that is over yet unfortunately, but this is an intermission thankfully, as the girls are on school holidays and we've taken them far away from home to escape the cold and the mud. I am hoping that by typing bits of it out I'll be able to have space from it for the next little while and that I'll be able to break the blog drought and get back to blogging about knitting and books and food and family.

Fingers crossed.



xoxo








71 comments:

  1. I love you, I love you so very much. Feeling all those feelings is normal Kate. You are a wonderful mother and woman. My heart breaks that your family has been so stressed and saddened. I'm so sorry. Xxxxxxxx

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    1. Thank you my beautiful friend. And thank you for for checking up on me during the week, you make me so happy. xx

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  2. Oh Kate, I am so, so sorry. Matters of the heart are matter of the whole body, especially when our children are involved. I don't have any answers for you but I do hope that you (and she) finds peace soon x

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    1. So beautifully put and so very true Jodi, thank you xx

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  3. fingers crossed, indeed, Kate.
    all love.

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    1. thank honey, all my fingers and toes too xx

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  4. Oh I am so sad to read this. It is heartbreaking when our children suffer. I try and remind myself that we grow the most and learn the most from the toughest times. It's those hideously painful lessons that make us into compassionate adults - that is, when we have a Mum like you Kate. Hope things pick up a little after the holidays.

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    1. Exactly, that is my mantra at the moment xx

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  5. I am so sorry that this is happening. It is so hard. I wish I had something slighty useful to add here.

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    1. thank you Jodie, your words are much appreciated xx

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  6. Oh Kate, sending love and prayers to your sweet girl, you and all your family. My heart breaks, it sounds rather nasty and worrisome, praying you all find resolution with your situation xxx

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  7. My daughter would describe you as she describes me, mothering with fierce love. Don't doubt yourself Kate, when you love so deeply and profoundly it is natural to feel this way and it never stops, my kids range in age from 25 - 33 and I still feel this way. Challenges and lessons that life throws us make us stronger and your children will always know and remember how you love and grow to be caring and compassionate adults. Take care Kate x

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    1. Mothering with fierce love sounds perfect, I'm proud to own it with you. xx

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  8. I've been brittle and overwhelmed, for yonks too. Teetering on the edge of logic, grappling for good parent responses and strategies for my kid. It seems a very different situation than yours - but one with similar ramifications, perhaps. Sometimes I can't even begin to imagine that I can keep coping - luckily there's no choice!

    "I have your back kid, no matter what, I have your back." I say that a lot.

    And I just threw a telepathic arm across your shoulders. x

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  9. My heart breaks for you Kate and your family. I don't have the answers - all I can do is send you a HUGE hug, just like my friend Glenys gives to me - one where she doesn't let go of me for 3 or 4 minutes. Please just know that I care x

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  10. Big hugs Kate
    This will pass
    Stay fierce and strong and loving

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    1. This too shall pass.....has been my mantra for a few really tough years. It was my thread of a lifeline and it worked.

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  11. Im so sorry to hear this. Sadly i have nothing of any use to offer to you but my wishes for this to be resolved soon and positively.
    Cheers Kate

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  12. Hi Kate,
    I feel a deep sympathy to your daughter, I can only imagine. Highschool was very hard for me. I wrote a blog post in part about it once... in hindsight, my family wished they had done more. They wished they had made the school more accountable for the student"energy and vibration" that was being generated, if you want to call it that. I hope you feel empowered to deal with this head on. Not only for your daughter, but for young me, and all the other children out there who do not find school a safe place. I was repeatedly abused, and nothing happened to stop it. The girls targeting me needed help, and support to step out of whatever it was that was causing their behavior.

    "When their fixation on me started, it really effected me. They were not people I wanted to be on the bad side of. I was scared of them. I would pass them in the corridors and they would shove me with their bag, and one day I recall walking out of science to see they had written “Rickert is a slut” on the pavement outside the classroom door. They stood to the side watching my reaction. Which was a little fear, and a whole heap of fire. “What, me a slut? She slept with my boyfriend and she calls me a slut?” I cringe thinking about those days, that kind of energy in my life. It was unfair. But yes, that is how life can be."

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  13. Sending you all the best possible wishes for you and your family. That you love so deeply and care so much is the thing that will carry you all through this. I know it must feel so difficult now, but you will be doing the very best you can, don't forget that, and your girls will be able to handle this with your love behind them. Doing exactly the right things and reacting in exactly the right way is not possible, but the fact that you're trying, and not giving up will give your girls so much help and support. And as people above say, this too shall pass. X

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  14. Being a kid can be tough. Being a parent even tougher. Crossing my fingers for you all. 🌹

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  15. I am so sorry to hear that your beautiful girl is going through a rough time. I went through something similar, years ago with my girl (now 26!) and I know how heart breaking it can be. Try to stay strong, and know that, as you said yourself when it happened to you, your daughter will one day put this behind her, but be a stronger person because of it xxxx

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  16. Oh my goodness, how awful, kids can be so darn mean sometimes it really makes you wonder about the future doesn't? I don't think we can ever separate ourselves from our kids pain, it's the pay off for loving them deeply and it's something I found so challenging myself. Sometimes only swears words will cut it and really in the grand scheme of it all, they're mild. I say punch a pillow and swear your heart when it all gets too much, tis a pretty non damaging relief. I unfortunately know only too well how cortisol will play wicked havoc with your system, best thing I found to ease that (when the stress was inevitable) was to feed my nervous system with the right counter balance stuff that my osteopath prescribed, it's a bit like a soothing balm to sunburn, doesn't get rid of it, but eases it and lessens the damage. We don't think twice about applying balms and bandaids to physical wounds, but emotional ones we seem to think we don't need to help?! We do and benefit enormously if seeked. As for the situation, man I think your kids must totally feel supported knowing how fiercely they are loved. The worst thing is when crappy things happen to them out of our control, all we can do sometimes is help pick up pieces and love them to bits and sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. It won't be like this forever, just gotta get through each day and as much as we try and find solutions, sometimes the situation changes without our doing... Do hope the distance from cold and mud brings some relief to you all. Sending big hugs x

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  17. Hugs for you and your family Kate. We went through a really hard few years with our girl too. The anxiety still lingers but she came out strong, and above all it was our steady strong love that got us all through. You'll get there. It's just hard. Love Manda xo

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  18. Sending love and strength Kate. Unfortunately no profound advice. You write so beautifully and honestly, even about the most difficult situations x

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  19. I hate that fight or flight adrenaline reaction. I still get it when someone who made life miserable years ago crosses my path, and I hate that she still has that power. I wish I could offer a solution, but clearly I'm still working on finding one! Are you talking it through with a counsellor who can offer some solutions for your reactions so that you don't have to deal with the cortisol floods?

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  20. It sounds awful! This may or may not be helpful to you, but homeschooling is a very, very good option. Hope the situation improves for all of you.

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    1. You'd make an awesome homeschooling mama Kate! xo

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  21. Sending you big warm hugs and ant spray. I think it's 100x harder when it's our kids and not us. Remember that when she is a mother, she will feel that way too. x

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  22. Dearest Kate - I'm so sorry to hear that you guys are going through such a shitty patch. I hope blog posting and a tropical escape brings you some of the relief and calm you need. You are an amazing mum and human and I'm sure your girls know it too.

    Rachel xo

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  23. Oh honey...I don't know what to say. I feel for all of you, and hope that this will end for you soon. I know when you're going through shit it feels like it'll last forever, and part of the way I get through it is to tell myself that one day I'll be looking back on this, because it'll be over, and I'll have realised that despite what it felt like, it didn't last forever and things were ok. Some days it's very hard to say this, though.

    xxxx

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  24. There is a book called bullies, bigmouths and so called friends. It teaches children ways in which they can take the power back themselves. I am working through it with my son. I hope things get sorted!

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  26. I have been thru the same with my granddaughter....it's been a few years ago now but I still think back to how sad she was and how cruel others can be. She is away at University now for two years and has many new friends too many to count and she said to me not too long ago...These are real friends grandma. The girls that were cruel to her? Two have gone to jail for drugs, one lost her mother at age 18, most didn't go to college and are working in area care homes. My heart still aches when I see that younger girl in tears when I picked her up from school. All I could do was keep her occupied , go places and do things. And she made new real friends. Keep your chin up some day it will be just a sour memory.

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  27. Siento mucho lo que estáis viviendo,es difícil y doloroso ver que dañan a una hija. Yo no se que decirte más que " intentar mantenerse en el Amor y estar centrada da fuerza y claridad para seguir lo que indica el corazón" .... Un fuerte abrazo para ti y tu familia desde España.

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  28. Oh this just tears at my heart. I couldn't bear my children being picked on. I wish I had answers for you in this incredibly difficult time. I know what damage cortisol and stress hormones can do when you feel powerless. It turns in to an Auto Immune disease, one I have been battling this year. Stay strong and keep your family close to you.

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  29. The pain we feel when our kids our hurting is visceral and I would do anything to give them the wisdom and hindsight I have in adulthood without taking away their youthful naivete and wonder. Childhood is such a battlefield these days and I wonder why? Kate, you sound like such a loving, supportive and present mother and that is the best gift you can give all your daughters. But schools and families need to take action and be held accountable for children with difficult behaviour. Your daughter and family shouldn't be made to suffer this much without consequences.

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  30. Hi Kate. I feel your pain. My daughter had a terrible time in highschool. She is still bitter about it and she is 30 this year. I always say "never get between a mother and her cubs". Makes you just feel like doing something violent doesn't it. It's a normal reaction. The girls are just jealous of your lovely daughter. Hope she finds a place of friendship soon. Stay strong. Xxxx julie

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  31. Oh Kate, so sorry to hear your sad story. I feel that the others are jealous because of her talents, lifestyle and looks. There isn't a lot you can do but support her, but your pain must be awful. Hopefully the other (children) will grow up and realise how miserable they are. Sending you much love and kind thoughts.

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  32. I have no words but I send my love. xx

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  33. Type away, we are happy to read. Your body is telling you to remove some stress. Hang in there, love Jo x

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  34. Please don't think it's any kind of failure if you take your daughter out of a situation that's clearly awful. Some situations can't be resolved in the normal way and after trying everything, we can stay too long in them. It's hard to stop trying to make something work, that you wanted to be right, but maybe there is another path, and need to surrender to that. If she wants to leave, let her. Trust in her life path and that it will work out whatever she does. She has so much going for her anyway, she will find her way from whatever point. She doesn't need to stay in a potentially dangerous situation. Good luck, there's always another way. :-) X

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  35. I'm so sorry this is happening Kate. I can only send hugs to you all and put you in my thoughts and prayers. xxxxx

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  36. Oh Kate! I wish I could sit down and have a big cuppa and knit and chat with you. So much love to you and your gorgeous ones. xx

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  37. This is so heartbreaking to hear Kate. I have no advice, but want to send my love and hugs to you and Bren and your beautiful daughters. Xx

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  38. Winging positive thoughts, hope, and well wishes for a speedy resolve to the issue and the strength for you all to deal with and over come it.x

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  39. I am really sorry to hear that you all are going through this very hard time. You cannot separate yourself emotionally from you daughter. You will feel anger, sadness, frustration and all the rest. I don't have the answer. I suppose you have to be strong for her, let her know you love her and that home is a safe and loving place for her to be. Channel those feelings into positive things you do together. And I suppose, one day, she will no longer be at school and can get away from the horrible situation. That doesn't help right now, I know, but when she is your age, how do you want her to look back at this time? As a bad time but Mom and Dad were there for me? I wish you all the best - parenting is a blessing but it can be damn hard! ((((HUGS))))

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  40. Oh Kate, my heart goes out to you. I hope this situation resolves soon for all of you and this time away brings you healing, happiness and some peace. Take care xx

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  41. Hello lovely Kate, I am so sorry this happening. Big love and hugs to you, your girl and you all. I know when things are happening to my kids at school, I can't concentrate on anything, it consumes my every waking thought until the issue is resolved. I am so sorry that the situation is continuing and I am sure you have explored all options. I really do hope things get better for you all, take care lovely, Lucy xxx

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  42. During one of the most stressful times in my life when faced with two children both being extremely unwell, I swore like a bloody trooper!! In fact now my nearest and dearest know that when I swear I am as they say, "over it".
    Swear at the top of your bloody lungs, go to the back paddock and curse and scream and hit something until you are hoarse and exhausted. Bugger the stretches, you need to rail against the bloody injustice of it all. It's not bloody fair and you are helpless to stop it, that bloody effing sucks!! .....now suck in some big breaths, and out and in and out.....hey keep cursing if you need.
    Now in five years time this will not hurt so much, but unfortunately you are here now and must get through but in five years time this will not be as important. School is such an artificial society, you have to compromise, you have to deal with bullies and sociopaths and nice people, you are trapped in this small petty place.
    Year 9 is the peak, as children get through the hormones, they settle and by year 11, 12......things can sort themselves out as study becomes more the focus. Life outside school is a whole new ball game but it's where children can really find their tribe, those who share values and possibly went through the same hell.
    Be there for your daughter, as you obviously are but follow her lead, see how she wants to handle it, give her support give her a safe place to land, just listen, she will develop the tools needed. She will win, because she will meet others like this in the big world, in her working world, she will know what to look for and how to avoid being a victim. Resilience is taught by the school,of hard knocks, experience is the best teacher. Keep her safe and loved, she will win with that behind her. This who bully are often very damaged and we should try to offer compassion ( from a distance) they are empty lonely and if they don't wake up they will be destined to wander this earth looking for happiness....the worst punishment in my book.
    I too love words and even reading your angst makes me realise that hey I am a lot like that too, wow we could even be friends in a different time and place!!
    In five years time this will not matter, this too shall pass.

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  43. My heart goes out to you and your girls xxx

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  44. Big hugs and praying for your sweet girl. I know the feeling I get when my little ones are 'excluded' from something completely petty. I can only imagine how that is heightened and times by a hundred when it is an older child and the feeling of being threatened/excluded is enormous :(
    I hope that you have the school involved and are keeping them accountable as well, they can keep an eye on things when you cannot.
    I would also just ensure that she knows that you have her back. That you will ALWAYS listen. That you will always be a shoulder to cry on. That you will always support her xxx Keep up the good work.... I am nervous already for when this time comes with my 3. xxx

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  45. X x not much I could write would make a difference but, keep going. Your children are blessed to have you. Things will work out. A sunny family time together is a beautiful idea. X

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  46. I find doing things that i really love that are out of the ordinary are great sanity savers. Buying new sheets, going to the movies, going for a swim. But in terms of helping kids i have to say that sometimes the issue just doesn't go away. You have to make a decision. My step brother had a horrible time at Highschool and wasn't coping with the work load. We had to make the decision to pull him out and after a little break he went to night courses at our local tafe instead. He loved it as it was mostly adults returning to complete year 12 so less stress of meeting HSC requirements and being around peers, and more support of like minded people. You just have to find a solution that works for the long run even if it may seem harder in the short term. Being a parent is never easy, but we have to remember that we just have to do our best and that this time will pass.

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  47. Sending love to you and your family.I hope things will be clearer and calmer after your break away xxx

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  48. Hi Kate,
    I am reading my own story here. What was worse was that the main "issue" was my best friends daughter who was in the same class as my daughter. I have no advice because I tried everything. In the end here is what we did, we moved our daughter to a private school. I was under no illusion that there would be no problems there but when you are paying an institution $15000 a year believe me they sort out any issues quick smart, and this has happened only once in the three years she has been there. Secondly, I took myself off to counselling as I had fallen apart myself during the years we had problems. I found this invaluable and although I no longer go, she did recommend a great book that I bought and use in crisis times. I do know exactly how you feel, so totally powerless, yet ready to rip someone's head off and I bet you could even put a name to that someone. Horrible situation, I hope you get some relief soon. XX

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  49. I dont know what the problem is other than it sounds like a form of bullying. Its sounds like you have acted in a responsible and mature manner as a family and are supportive of your daughter. i dont know what your options are in terms of schools but sometimes changing the school entirely is the best option. My sister's daughter was in some form being singled out and in the end changed schools. This bright and intelligent girl later became the dux of the school and some of that is attributable to her change in environment. Whatever you decide my best wishes and may strength and love prevail

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  50. Kate, try as we might, we moms are only as happy as our least happiest child. Your daughter is lucky to have you, a warrior mother, in her corner. I was bullied in 2nd grade, and my mother was too involved in her own issues (addiction) to help or support me. Goodness, I am 60 years old, and I remember the details as if it happened yesterday. Please don't be too hard on yourself for your reactions; when your daughter is 60 she will be able to look back and remember "My mom had my back!" Thinking of you and your family with much love.......

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  51. Fierce mother love is the best kind. Change can be good if you've tried everything else. We changed teachers last year and the relief was almost instant. xx A change of schools a couple of years ago was also a breath of fresh air and we are continually grateful we did. xo

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  52. Oh boy Kate, I can completely relate to this. I have a post I wrote about one of our boys, but I never published it because I feel like its not my story to tell. But it is. Because I am the mother, grasping at straws to keep my boy safe and happy and comfortable to be his beautiful self. It's the absolute worst. We did everything we possibly could to be supportive from home. We had his back, and he is the most resilient kid you will ever know! It took every ounce of strength not to take it into our own hands over the years, but then one day we had to. I don't know your situation, obviously, but ours had suddenly become a serious and very dangerous one. It was the hardest thing we've ever had to deal with as parents, but reaching out for help was also the best thing we ever did. Our school turned out to be pretty awesome, along with the resources they provided us. I'm not so sure our boy feels the same just yet, but I think he will one day. All my love and strength to you and your girl x

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  53. Sending love and hugs to you Kate and your family. My boys are 15 and 18 and I've found I've been stressing a lot about them too. Something that has helped me has been getting support from my herbalist. Her appointments go for 1 hour which allows me to get a lot of my worries off my chest and as the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved. Then I get herbs to support my health. I'm finding this is a difficult time........learning how to parent teenagers that are growing into adults, as well as beginning peri-menopause. The feeling of ants could be related to peri-menopause. I have started to get hot flushes and the feeling of ants crawling under my skin. This is a symptom of peri-menopause and it can be worse when you are stressed. Also do little things for yourself that make you feel good. A gentle walk, gentle stretching, relaxing with your knitting and a cup of tea. Take care Kate. I really hope things improve for you and your daughter. Remember that you are never alone. There is always someone who will help. Much love xxoo

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  54. Remember too that school is not the be all and end all. Homeschooling/unschooling is another option and these days there are so many online courses you can do. Good luck mumma xoxo

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  55. I wish I had advice to give or could wave the wand and solve the problems but it is obviously beyond something any of us can solve alone. I hope that your writing here has helped already in whatever small way.

    Interesting that inwardly you are torn apart and outwardly you appear to be dealing with it.

    It is better to get things out (as you are with your writing) than to have them eat you up from the inside. The trick is to find a way to do that without hurting anyone, including yourself.

    I agree with many of the ideas expressed in previous comments. With children in university and high school now, I can vouch that bullying etc. usually dies down around the serious study time of senior schooling. I also agree that university is now sorting out the friendships from high school and the new ones and it is the time when my children have had the freedom and independence to be able to 'find their tribe'. On the other hand, time is precious and if you have the opportunity for a fresh start in a new environment, I agree that it is a good move. I have met a number of people who did that during difficult high school experiences and it was the best thing they ever did. Not necessarily easy but then nothing worthwhile in this life ever is (easy).

    Thank heavens for school holidays where you can nurture yourself and each other. Hope and hugs, xx

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  56. Big hugs to you, Kate. I too have felt near to nervous breakdown lately, thanks to spiralling stress in too many parts of my life. It is all consuming, and yet it has taken my voice too, when I most need it. I write to make sense of my inner world, but I haven't been able to summon the words lately... because it all feels so complex and overwhelming, and I'm just a little bit ashamed to divulge just how bad it has all been. You're not alone. xxx

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  57. One thing that strikes me in all these comments is the stress we undergo when our kids are not happy. There is a saying: you are only happy as your unhappiest kid (or something like that) But it makes sense It is a great motivator to fix the situation-maybe we are programmed that way because really, we are not separate from our kids. Their pain is our pain. Having raised four children, I look back and wonder why we put up with certain things-life is never perfect of course, but I just think if your child is unhappy, either the school should be sorting it or you have a right to make a lot of noise until it is sorted-no one should have to put up with toxic energy at school. It is dangerous and it can have lasting affects. Best wishes and hope this gets sorted pronto! x

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  58. I found that I was holding my breath as I read your post, Kate. What you are describing is a horrid thing for your girl and for you. I'm sure, in her mind, there are doubts swirling about why she is being singled out for such unfair treatment. I think that finding a way to make sure that nastiness doesn't settle in your girl's heart is the most important thing. Those arms of yours, to wrap around her and hold her tight, will help. Those words of yours, to whisper how wonderful and brave she is, will help. That strength of yours, to show her the way to be strong, will help too. I wish you, and your beautiful daughter, much love.

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  59. We've never met an this is the first time I've read your blog. But tonight I'm sending so much love and hope to you. What you describe is exactly the fear that's been haunting me the last few months. The what ifs of raising my own amazing little girl. Is it tuly unavoidable?

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  61. i think i have been where you are...
    or in a similar location if not the exact same longitude and latitude...
    it is never easy.
    i completely saw myself in your words
    "i don't want to live this out for her"
    i remember feeling this exact same way,
    wishing i could take her hard lessons learned
    and pass them back to her in a gentler easier way to be learned.
    Sigh.
    hugs to you. big hugs.

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Thanks so much for stopping by...

I do read every single comment you leave and appreciate it very much, but I should let you know that I can be a wee bit on the useless side when replying to comments, that's just me, everyday life sometimes gets in the way....so I'll apologise now, just in case.

Kate XX

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